Heartsick

Tonight was the school's open house. It only lasts an hour (from 6-7), so dh and I figured we'd both go and meet the teacher formally, and see what the classroom environment would be like.

We got there right about 6, when they said it would start, but discovered that the teacher's presentation wasn't until 6:40, and there was nothing going on between 6 and 6:40. So we wandered around the school, and went out for dh to have a smoke or two.

In strolling through the building, we did cross paths with his teacher. I had met her once briefly, as had dh at a different time. She didn't really acknowledge us. I would have thought she'd come up and say, "Hi, I'm Mrs. So-and-so, and I'll be your child's teacher," or "Hi, I remember you from registration. I'm really looking forward to a good year," or something to that effect. When it didn't happen, when nothing happend, I was starting to feel out of place. It's not that we were being singled out or anything. She didn't greet any of the parents that way. The whole event seemed poorly planned. Or maybe poorly communicated. Perhaps that's more accurate. Looking back at it, I guess we were only supposed to show up for the 20 minutes that our teacher gave her presentation, not the whole hour. Oh well. Not a big deal. We just killed the 40 minutes hanging out. I chatted a little bit with another mom that I hadn't seen in a while, so that was nice. I don't get to chat with other school moms.

During the teacher's presentation, she handed out a flyer that talks about the grading percentages and such. It also talked about The Field Trip.

I'd heard about The Field Trip previously. I capitalize that deliberately. This isn't a plain old field trip to the local museum or zoo. This is a major Field Trip. It's for all the kids of his grade level at the school. They go to this facility at the forest preserve, and they stay there for three days and two nights. It's the buzz at the school, and all the kids are excited as all get out, even though it's not scheduled until the end of the year. This isn't simply a field trip. It's a right of passage.

There are rules for going. You can't be in any major trouble. (Hm, can you say meltdown?) And you have to participate in the class fundraising projects. (Yes, my boy, you lack social skills yet you must sell something or greet parents at a function.) They keep track of who participates in raising money and who doesn't. And there are many fundraising projects. There have already been two opportunities, and they've only been in school for three weeks. If you don't participate in fundraising, you either don't go, or you pay the full rate to go. They are trying to raise enough money so that all kids go at no charge.

Kids that couldn't attend The Field Trip could either stay home those three days, or they could go to school. However, they would not be permitted to hang out with the older grades at school. "That would be too much fun." They were going to be having a blast at The Field Trip, and those who couldn't go would NOT be permitted to have fun at school. They were to WORK. They would be assigned to the younger classrooms. This would not be fun for them. (Presumably, the ones staying behind would only be doing so if they had been naughty. Everyone else would, of course, attend.)

At the open house, there were lots of questions about the Field Trip. Dh and I had a lot of questions of our own. This was new territory. Ds away from home for 3 days without us? That would be a first. I raised my hand, and asked if they would be taking any parent chaperones. (She didn't know, but would let me know.) I'd hold off more specific questions until another, more private, discussion.

The presentation came to a close shortly after that, and dh and I were walking toward the door, but got separated in the crowd exiting. The teacher came up to me. She told me that she didn't think they wanted any parents to come on the trip. I smiled awkwardly, and admitted, "I didn't think you'd want to do this without me there." I told her I didn't know how they wanted to do this field trip - that's why I asked. (I guessed that they might be glad to have me along, that I could assure that things went smoothly with ds. It didn't sound like it was going to be welcome, from this conversation, though.)

That's when she told me that she didn't really know how all this would work either. She said that on this Field Trip, they were not equiped to deal with meltdowns. They couldn't have one of the adults stay with ds, for example, when they were on the hike. They'd have to keep going. There wouldn't be anyone that could be assigned to deal with him.

Oh, I see.

And she didn't know how all this would be organized. We'd talk. As the time got closer, we'd go over all this. She's not sure. She didn't know if they'd want me to go. She didn't know if an adult to watch him was possible. She'll have to ask. And maybe we wouldn't want him there. That would be fine. But they've never dealt with this before. I don't know how'd we work it out. After all, it will be a new situation for him, and new stuff is hard for him. But we'll talk.

Um, there's a problem with putting this discussion off. For one, I have a boy in that class who is hearing about this wonderful Field Trip, and how they will all love it, and "remember it for the rest of their lives." (I heard that phrase more than once tonight.) They will be working their butts off raising money between now and the end of the year, to assure their paid fee. They'd be on their best behavior, to "earn their right to attend." You can't have my son listening to all this every day, and then tell him, "Gee, sorry. Even if you have been good, and even if you did raise all the money we wanted you to, you still can't go, because...well... because you're different, and we just don't know how to deal with you, and we don't have any ability to make accomodations for you."

No way.

I'm just heartsick. What am I supposed to tell my son? I suppose the whole discussion is moot, because the likelyhood that he could behave well enough to "earn the right to attend" is pretty slim. Ds himself told me that "there's no second chances." He's heard that at school. Oh great.

I don't want him to get his hopes up for something that's not going to happen. I feel like he's being set up to fail. Not on purpose, but geez, let's be realistic here. They can't deal with his autism as it is. They already feel that "what he needs is discipline." That's bologna, but my point is that his meltdowns will be treated as misbehavior and a discipline issue, and he will probably not be allowed to attend anyway. I can just imagine that his first real meltdown will be punished with exclusion from The Field Trip.

How can he win? How can he go? What are the chances that he can go all year without a meltdown? At this point, he's going to know that if he gets upset, they'll tell him he can't go, and that will throw gasoline on an already volatile situation. If he thinks he's lost control, and will now be left out, he will explode. How can he not?

You've dangled this "trip of a lifetime" under his nose, and you'll yank it away if he can't maintain neurotypical behavior, and he's not neurotypical, and he can't maintain your concept of "good."

My son is not a bad kid. He is just trying to get along in an environment that is always hostile to his senses. He's trying to deal with an educational system that doesn't understand how his brain works. He's trying SO hard to be the good kid you want him to be, that he doesn't even know that he's already good.

He's not a bad kid. He's just struggling. And he needs some patience and understanding.

He wants to go on this trip, because everyone else made him want to go, and how can you do that to a boy that isn't going to be permitted to go? How can you break his heart like that? Can't you see how hard he tries? How can you look him in the eyes and tell him that even if he "earns the right to attend" by being melt-free, he still can't go because you can't accomodate him if the new situation of The Field Trip proves to be hard to cope with?

I wish I could pull him out of that school right now. They are really going to hurt him with this Field Trip, and it's just plain wrong. Why couldn't they have warned us about it before the school year began? Obviously this Field Trip is a HUGE part of the school experience for this grade. Why couldn't they have mentioned it to us, and asked if it could cause problems? Couldn't we figure out some way so that my son didn't get hurt by it?

Time to just bury my head in my pillow and have a good cry. Tomorrow I'll try to think of how to explain to my son how he's probably not going to get to go on that wonderful Field Trip. But not right now. My heart hurts too much to think right now.