The Dread Sets In

My stomach is in knots. And it's been getting worse as the day goes on. Tomorrow is the first day of school.

I know I don't have much control over this, and there's every reason in the world to believe that this year will be different. But still, past history rears its ugly head, and my stomach does flipflops.

I keep telling myself that he's grown so much during the past eight months. Amazingly so. He's much more mature and much more independent than he was last year.

In summer camp, he was so outgoing and friendly, they made of point of telling me that he has terrific social skills. I've never heard that before. Ever. He was always the loner. I have pictures of him that they took at school, where he stood off by himself, just watching the kids on the playground. Heartbreaking. But now, he's making friends, and playing games nicely with them.

At the end of last school year, he won an award. He wasn't there on the last day of school (they only go for an hour and a half, and he was really sick, so I sent him to Grandma's), so he didn't get his report card, or this award. I didn't even know he was going to get an award! When I took him to school for registration about a week ago, they finally gave me his report card from last semester (gee, thanks a lot - how swift), and this award. Wow. It was for Most Improved, in Independence! You know, that's no small thing to us, and it would have been nice to have seen this last June, when he was awarded it. Too bad they couldn't have popped his report card and his award in an envelope. Anyway, I digress. (Sorry. School nerves washing over me again). It was validation for what we have been seeing in him as well. This summer was the first time we left him alone for a short period of time, and it has been a huge success. He has been offering to help around the house, and doing a good job of it, too. He's cooking! Not just out-of-a-box stuff, but he's learning to follow recipes as well. Cooking main courses, even! (I'm so proud!) I wouldn't have pictured any of this last year.

On top of all this, he is learning a little more self control. Okay, this still needs a lot of work, but it's improved, and I'll take all the improvement I can get. He's demonstrated a bit of self-awareness, which really gives me a great deal of hope and optimism. I'll say to him, do you feel yourself getting upset? What can you do to calm yourself down? And he answers in the affirmative now (he used to deny that he was upset, even though it was very obvious to those around him), and he tries to calm down! HUGE! Sometimes it's hard for him, of course. He's had very little practice in controlling himself. But he's trying! He's trying! (Can you hear the relief in my voice?)

At home, we haven't seen a meltdown in so long, I've forgotten when it was. I love this. Has he gotten upset? Sure. But he'll go off to calm himself, most of the time after a prompt from me or dh, and then he comes back when he's more in control. He doesn't often get made at his games anymore! With a new game, he'd often get frustrated while on the initial learning curve, and growl or do foot-stomping type of expressions of anger. I can't remember the last time I saw that, either. Incredible.

Once during the summer, Nathan said to dh, "I have autism. I can't control myself." We responded with a loud and firm, "BOLOGNA!!" We had a conversation at the time about how everyone gets mad, but it's what you do with that mad that makes the difference. Because of his autism, he might get mad about something, but that doesn't mean he has to allow that mad to take over and have control. He can make choices about how to deal with it. He can go off by himself to calm down. He can take deep breaths. He can run around the house a few times to burn off steam. He can do things that help the mad go away or get easier to ignore. For once, it felt like a lightbulb went on. He seemed to have believed that because he had autism, he had no power. He was going to get mad, and it was going to be more than he could control. So why bother. Now, he is getting it. He's realizing that he has a say in how he responds. It's like the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz. The lion believed he didn't have courage because he felt fear. But once it was pointed out to him that courage doesn't mean the absence of fear, it means acting In Spite Of The Fear, then he discovered that had courage after all. I think this is what happens with Nathan. He believed he had no control because he got so mad. But having control doesn't mean never getting upset, it means you figure out how to use it constructively, or how to minimize it so you can continue to function civily. It was very empowering to him. Now that doesn't mean he's suddenly In Control. But he's now starting to monitor himself, and to control himself under the majority of cases. If only he can continue this in school, we'll have it made!

During the school's registration, we met Nathan's teacher. She had an strong kindness vibe that really impacted us. I hope this is an accurate assessment. It's SO encouraging. If his teacher really is kind and patient, that could be the one ingredient that makes this school year an enormous success. I'm hoping. Time will tell.

So I have many reasons to be hopeful this new school year. And no indications of anything that would inhibit him from having a good year. The only thing I do have to worry about is the past history. That's no small factor. But it's not a guarantee of failure, right? After all, they started to actually follow the IEP toward the end of the school year, with excellent results - a significant reduction in the number of meltdowns, and a decrease in severity. So that's good, right? Then why do I feel this impending dread?

I guess because we've done all we can on our end. We've done everything we know to do. And Nathan's doing his best. So it all boils down to: will the school listen? Will they actually follow the IEP? Will they be patient? Will they read the info I send them? Will they abandon the idea that he doesn't need accomodations, he just needs a good swift kick in the pants? Will they treat him like he's a "bad kid?" They are the deciding factor in how this year will go. And that's why I'm afraid. He's done well with certain teachers. Will this be one of them?

It will be better this year. It will be better this year. It will be better...

(my new mantra)