A Spring Melt

Thursday was not a good day.

I got Nathan dressed up in his greaser outfit for the rock ‘n roll music program, and he went off to school as happy as could be. Then a couple hours later, I get a call from his teacher, who is PISSED OFF, and telling me that Nathan is in full blown meltdown mode, throwing things at the teachers and pinning teachers to the wall. Omg. I rushed right over. They had cleared the area, lecturing me about how ALL the other children had to stop learning because of MY son, and move across the room. Then, as Nathan became increasingly more aggressive, they had to remove the other kids entirely (this is the first time they have actually followed the IEP and removed the class!), and again lectured me about how ALL the other children had to stop learning because of MY son, and they had to leave the classroom, because of MY son.

Look, I know this is frustrating for the school, and very upsetting. But right then, I’d just driven halfway across town, scared to death that they were going to again restrain my son (and possibly hurt him, or worse), and I walk into the classroom completely clueless on what has happened, with my son in one corner of the room, his face pale, dark circles under his eyes, red blotchiness on his forehead and cheeks (indicating to me that he is extremely upset and possibly traumatized), hands in fists, with his teachers, para, and principal gathered in the complete opposite corner, looking like they plan to tell me Nathan’s being thrown out of school), and the LAST thing I need is to sit there and listen to accusatory lectures while I’m just trying to find out what the F*** has been going on and get to my son!

Finally, after finding out, yes he did pin a teacher, but what that means is that the para was sitting across from him at the table, and he pushed the table forward. She was not hurt or unable to get up, she had the table pushed into her. She had continued to try to talk to Nathan and work with him, as he pushed at the table. And yes, he threw something at a teacher. It was an empty water bottle, he threw at her back as she walked away, after she informed him that she was going to call me to come and get him (and he knew that meant he wouldn’t get to be in the music program). I don’t know if it hit her or not. Yeah, it was a very bad thing to do, but it was also becoming clear that no one was hurt, and this was not exactly the picture I was given over the telephone. At least that was a little better, he wasn’t throwing furniture as he had in the past, and he hadn’t hurt anybody. I stopped the teacher at that point and said I was going to go to Nathan and see if I could help calm him down.

Nathan was a mess. He looked absolutely hysterical, freaked out, growling. (The more upset he is, the more he loses the ability to communicate, until all he’s able to do is growl.) It took me a long time to get him out of the corner, get him to take his 2nd dose of meds, and finally start talking and calm down. (Btw, I never had to raise my voice, or grab him.) They brought in a lunch they saved for him (he was starved, which wouldn’t have helped his mood any). Within a half hour of my arrival, I had him calm, eating, and had even apologized to the para and the teacher, and thanked the para for saving him a lunch.

They weren’t kicking him out of school as I thought. They told me he could stay, if he could stay calm. They hinted that they would prefer it if I stay. (I was already sick as a dog with a cold, and had been just about ready to leave work anyway, so work had told me to just stay home when I left). But they would allow Nathan to be in the music program, both the dress rehearsal at 1:00 and the show at 7:00, as long as he was done with the meltdown. From the looks on their faces, and the fact that they were gathered in the corner whispering the whole time I was with Nathan, I thought for sure this was going to be bad news. And here, they were perfectly willing to let him go right back to the music program. (Which was great, by the way.)

From talking to Nathan later about the whole thing, none of it was handled very well. Nathan wasn’t focused all day, with the excitement of the music program, and couldn’t keep his mind on classes. I understood that, but the teacher did not. She was growing increasingly more irritated with his behavior as the day went on. She had sent him to another teacher’s room, to work on math at one point, and when he came back, he was behind the rest of the class. I wasn’t clear on if it was all from the visit to the teacher, or if Nathan just wasn’t getting anyting done at all, or both. So they told him he could catch up on what he missed, in school, or do it at home. This was after his whole class had been told that NO ONE had any homework that night because of the music program, and now he had homework. Stupid move. Anyway, Nathan started to get upset, so they told him he could either do that work he missed, or work on a math page along with the rest of the class. Well, Nathan thought since they were giving him a choice, he asked if he could work on his art project. They refused that, and in fact got angry about the suggestion, and said it was one or the other, math or language arts. But by now, he had his heart set on art, and he didn’t understand the refusal to allow it, and he didn’t understand the anger, and he started to lose it. The teacher said he just wanted to get out of the real work and do art. They said he just didn’t want to do any work, like he was just being lazy. Nathan got more upset. They tried some methods to calm him down, but they were trying them too late, and doing too little, so Nathan just kept getting more and more upset. Finally, the teacher insisted that he get the work done, or they would call me to come and get him, and he lost it completely.

I know the teachers don’t know what they did wrong. It’s not an easy thing to explain to them. They don’t realize that any time Nathan comes in and finds out that he is behind, that’s upsetting to him. And they don’t realize that you can’t tell him one moment that he has no homework, and then tell him now you do. He is fixed on the fact that there is no homework tonight. He happily and quickly did the EXTRA homework the night before, celebrating the fact that he would not have homework tonight – no one had homework tonight – and now that was being taken away. He couldn’t wrap his brain around that one. And he gets very upset that he often takes home more work than the other kids, even though the other kids don’t have to take it home because they did it in class. This concept doesn’t click with him: Homework is homework, regardless of why you get it, and it’s not fair that he has homework when no one else does. Now I understand that reasoning, but reasonably the teacher isn’t going to understand that. His mind works differently, and his reasoning is different. Had the teacher told him that he’d have homework to bring home on another day, he probably would have been able to wrap his brain around that. And to tell him he has to ‘do it or else’ only sets up a confrontational block, and he can’t cope with that either, and he resists further. I don’t have any trouble getting him to do any work. I try to emphasize the positives, and I sometimes throw a curve into it to make it a little more fun. I wouldn’t have shoved two papers at him and said “here pick one.” I would have tried to put more of a positive spin on it. “Which of these two assignments do you like the best?” Something like that. And if I still got resistance, I’d start trying to see if I could incorporate something he loves into the assignment. Is it a writing assignment? Can we toss in a little outer space? Dinosaurs? Is one of the assignments math? He loves math, and can do it quickly. Or we can make a game out of it using my spare coins. Is it to read a story? Let’s take turns reading, and I’ll use funny voices. Then, once he’s working on the one assignment, I’d tell him that the other assignment we’d save for another day, and pick a day I didn’t promise him NO HOMEWORK.

Nobody wants to deal with all that personalized work. No one wants to have to learn all his little nuances to make this flow smoothly. I understand that. It’s a lot of work. But even if you don’t want to bother figuring out how to get through to him, can’t you at least try to not get angry when he can’t do something? Can’t you not get confrontational, and draw a line in the sand? Maybe a little patience? A little more laid back approach? A little flexibility? A little creativity? And can you PLEASE not tell my son that he’s just being lazy? Or imply it? He’s not lazy, and he’s not resistant to school work. I can get him to do it just fine, without hassle, sometimes with a lot of fun! He loves to get the work done, and to get positive feedback on the work. He’s eager to please. And when you accuse him of being lazy, he is understandably offended by this, and is completely confused by it. (And it really pisses me off!) And please STOP promising him things like ‘no homework’ or ‘free time on the computer’ and then turn around and take it away from him! He can’t handle that. I mean really, when you tell him week after week that you’re taking away his free time on the computer, and week after week he has a complete meltdown when you do, can you explain to me why you keep doing it? Is it that you are so blind to the fact that this is happening over and over again? Or are you just trying to instigate something here? Sheesh. And same goes for homework. If you tell him he has no homework, and then you tell him he’ll take it home as homework, even though you promised no homework, is it such a shock that he got upset?

And when I get notes home that say Nathan had trouble getting something done on time today, but we didn’t send it home because he was being “respectful,” don’t expect me to believe that you aren’t using extra homework as a form of punishment. Even if that isn’t your intention, it sure as hell feels that way to Nathan. And it does to his parents, too.

I know none of this is easy. But I sure wish we didn’t have to make it harder. The meltdowns can be avoided. The confrontations can be avoided. It really doesn’t take that much. Even if you don’t understand how to avoid getting him upset, if you take a few minutes to find out what is bothering him and just try to be a little patient and maybe a little creative, you might find that you can avoid a lot of problems, and get a lot of work out of him. Willingly. Happily. Threats don’t work. Punishment doesn’t work. Removal, seclusion and restraint don’t work. Criticism and judgment don’t work. Drawing a line in the sand doesn’t work. All you have to do is find out what is at the root of the problem, when he balks. That’s it. Take care of whatever that little issue is, even if it requires a little creativity, and all the rest will fall into place easily. Some teachers have done it. And they thought he was a fantastic student. The ones that don’t want to bother think he’s something else entirely. But in the end, you control what kind of student he is for you. Not him. Not the autism. Not his parents. Not inflexible lesson plans. Just you.