Let's Go For a Drive

Father's Day brought another milestone for my little boy. Hm. Not so little anymore.

Dad suggested going go-carting. This must be a guy thing, because the thrill of this event just eludes me. But Dh loves it, and Nathan loves it, so off to the go-cart track we went.

I did try this activity. Once. I am not smitten with it the way my guys are. In fact, I thought it had pretty much zero fun factor. So I retire to the picnic benches that line the track, and dutifully cheer my son on from a safe distance.

This time was different though. You see, up until now, Dh and Nathan have shared a go-cart. It was a father-son activity, with Dad driving and Nathan riding shotgun. They would sit side by side, with Nathan holding on to a non-functioning steering wheel. This time, however, we asked the tired looking woman behind the glass at the ticket window how tall Nathan had to be, in order to drive his own go-cart.

She pointed behind us to a post with a line painted on it. Nathan flew to the post and put his back against it, and tried to stretch himself to his full height, and then some, if he could possibly manage it. He didn't need to stretch. He had grown several inches since last year, so he easily passed the minimum height requirement with over an inch to spare.

Nathan was SO excited! He dashed off, with Dad tailing, to find his own go-cart to drive. I had snuck a camera into my purse, just in case, and got it ready. Nathan jumped behind the wheel of the go-cart of his choice, and Dh took the go-cart just behind him in line.

I marveled at Nathan's fearlessness. I don't think I would have even wanted to go alone at that age. I was always a bit of a scaredy cat as a kid. (Sometimes as an adult, too.) But he didn't hesitate. And that's a big deal to me, because I've seen him unable to put one foot in front of the other, just because he was uncertain about what to do. Not this time, though. This time, he jumped right into the deep end.

By the end, he was cutting people off, passing other cars right and left, and yelling, "You're not gonna pass ME!" at some poor adult that dared to creep up on him. It was funny, and encouraging all at the same time. What a wonderful thing a bit of self confidence is.

At times he was so determined and intent, that his face just exuded his singlemindedness. And at other times, he was laughing at the thrill of the speed and the competitiveness.

I could only watch from the stands, and enjoy this rite of passage. And take a picture, of course. I delighted in his freedom, and his newfound maturity, and his pure joy.

I don't think I'll look at go-carting the same way again. Now it will always warm this precious memory in my heart.

A Milestone

We hit a real milestone yesterday! We left Nathan alone for the first time.

It wasn't for long, of course. We just ran a short errand. But we wanted him to start getting used to being alone, and being more independent. We figured we'd leave him alone for little short trips to the store and such, and work up to longer periods of time, over time.

Of course, Mom stared at her cell phone the whole time. But even though my paranoia was in high gear, I was also excited for him, too. He wasn't worried in the least, and thought it was pretty cool that we just up and left him alone like that, with no warning. He was all grins. And wanted to know right off the bat when we were going to do that again, lol! And I felt silly for being paranoid over nothing. He was ready for this long ago. Mom was the only one who wasn't. Maybe next time I can pry my fingers off my cell phone, and quit letting my imagination get the best of me. (I didn't call him, I just held onto it, just in case it rang... I know, I'm a nut.)

I'm so proud of him! He's been really making huge strides in his independence. He is really growing up. eek!

But it was a really neat thing for me - spontaneity! It's been a long time since I just up and ran out of the house without making arrangements. Without thinking that I can't do something, because I have responsibilities. Wow, it's amazing what a thrill a little thing like that is! It was very freeing. I felt younger, lol.

Now I'm not so sure who hit a milestone here. Nathan seemed more than ready for it. Maybe it was Paranoid Mom who really hit the milestone, hmm?

PT Progress

I went to PT today, and it was my last visit before I return to the orthopedic doc tomorrow. So the therapist ran a bunch of tests to see if my mobility has improved.

I got my arm almost all the way up when I raised it straight out in front of me, and up over my head. Big improvement when I couldn't raise it more than 90 degrees in the beginning.

I also raised my arm straight out at the side up quite a bit. Not all the way up over my head, but still, a big improvement. In the beginning I couldn't raise it over 90 degrees either.

In my grip, there was a big improvement, too. I went from 40 pounds to 80 pounds! She was real surprised with that. Pleasantly surprised.

See, I DO do the excercises at home!

She said she suspects the doc will keep sending me to PT with this kind of progress.

Progress. That's such a comforting word. I guess I get unrealistic expectations, and I hope that I'll be all fixed and back to normal after a few weeks, and I let myself get discouraged when that doesn't happen. So instead, right now I'm kind of celebrating inside. Okay, so maybe I don't have the shoulder of my youth, but at least I have a heck of a lot more movement and a heck of a lot less pain than I did a month ago. And I worked hard! So I deserve a little celebrating!

So that's my little mental pat-on-the-back for the day, LOL!

Summer Begins

Well, PT has been going well, I guess. I've got a lot more movement in my arm, and can even reach a little behind my back. Not much behind, but still an improvement. I still have the really bad pain when I lift up, out or behind, but it isn't constant. The lesser pain has pretty much disappeared, like the constant throbbing. (I think that had more to do with the increase in arthritis drugs than PT, though, but I could be wrong.) I've got the use of my left arm back, which is very good. Before, I felt like it was a useless appendage, but now I can use it somewhat. So that helped. I must admit, however, that I'm a little disappointed that I haven't seen more significant improvement. Maybe it's just a matter of more time and therapy. Or maybe it's not going to get much better. I'm not sure which. I go back to the orthopedic doc this week, so maybe I'll get a better idea after that.

Nathan has had a meltdown at school. For some reason, they didn't see fit to call me, and called Dh instead. Later, I found out from Nathan that he had been playing a card game in class with some kids at his table, and they started to make fun of him for losing. He got frustrated and lost it. The teacher asked Dh to find out what he got so upset about - they had no idea. I had to wonder why they didn't know. The teacher said that she was with another student, and the para was not present either. Hm. How come? That para is his one-on-one aide. Perhaps she would have been able to stop the other kids from making fun of him and prevented the melt. She was not around when the game was being played. She should have been. I didn't bother reporting back to the teacher why the melt occurred. They usually come to their own conclusions anyway, and don't accept what I tell them. And when there was only a couple days left in school, explaining a meltdown seems a little useless anyway. Hell, if they haven't figured out by now that he has a hard time with perfectionism and comptetition, they aren't going to figure out. Sigh.

Nathan has been SO helpful around the house lately. He comes up and offers to help me do dishes, or put away laundry, or whatever. He's even been doing yard work; weeding, trimming trees, mowing, etc. It's been an enormous help to me, when I struggle with the shoulder pain. And it's really neat to see him show empathy and concern for others. That's a huge step up for him! I'm really proud of him.

He's also been doing better in school. He is showing a lot more creativity when writing! I was so excited to see that. I knew he had it in him, because I've helped him to do creative writing assignments before. I usually had to help him get his ideas together or come up with a topic, or to help him get "unstuck" from writer's block. He had great ideas, but he just didn't seem to know what to do with them, to get them on the paper. So I'd ask him basic questions. (What kind of story do you want to tell? Oh, that sounds interesting! What do you want to happen? Okay, what's going to happen first? How will you finish it? This is a really neat story; what do you want to call it?) He just needed a little confidence, I think. Some nudging. In his head, he thought he couldn't write a story, or an essay. But once he found out that all he had to do is come up with an idea, and put it in some kind of order, he realized it wasn't so hard after all.

He used to melt down when they gave him a writing assignment. Then he'd come home and we'd have the assignment done in no time. I wondered why the school had so much trouble with this? Couldn't they see he was just scared? Lacking confidence? He just needed a little bit of guidance. Not even a lot. And here, we'd have FUN writing stories. Sometimes he was disappointed when I said it sounded like he had a good stopping point, and should end the story there. He wanted to just keep going. (Maybe Mom's love of storytelling has gotten into his bones?) :) The teacher thought he was just being lazy, and trying to get out of work. But I knew better. Nathan is far from lazy when it comes to learning. He's just kind of shy about some things. And that gets him frustrated. He wants to do it, but he doesn't think he can, and this gets him very upset. Too bad this was lost on his teacher. She might have enjoyed the results as much as I do.

Nathan had a particularly bad day at school. His teacher said he wasn't productive, and also refused to do a writing assignment, which she was sending home. When I read this in her email, I knew that when I got home from work, I'd be working with Nathan on that assignment. I can't tell you how thrilled I was to get home and find out that he not only did the assignment (all by himself!), but it was a really cute story about what he would do if he was only an inch tall. It was all done, it was done independently, and it was entertaining. And he ENJOYED doing it! Now why couldn't that have happened at school???

Thursday was the last full day of school. They go back on Monday for a couple hours, and then he is done for the year! HOORAY!!

I am so relieved to have him out of there for the summer. I try to be optimistic about next year, but it's hard. I haven't been impressed with the way the school deals with autism, that's for sure. I hope he at least gets a patient teacher next year. Not one who rushes to (negative) judgement. That would help a lot.

I'm also not looking forward to the daycare situation for the summer. Next week will be stress free, with Grandma & Grandpa caring for him, and Dh taking time off of work for a couple days, too. But after that, back to public daycare. Yikes. I sure hope that goes well. Last year, it was up and down. He had a great one-on-one aide, that seemed to have a real good feel for when Nathan gets upset and how to combat that. No meltdowns! But they often weren't very attentive, and Nathan got bullied a lot, and ignored by the staff at times. At one point, he decided enough was enough and tried to walk home. He nearly got to an incredibly busy street before the staff discovered that he was missing and went after him. I sure hope this new arrangement will be better than that. But I've lost my blind optimism when it comes to daycare.

But I'm still in a celebratory mood. No judgemental teachers for the summer! YIPPEEEE! No homework supervision! No IEP meetings! No threats of felony arrest for digital notetaking! Ahhhhhh, peace! At least for the next week. :)

PT

Physical Therapy went pretty well. But twice a week for six weeks or so is a bit more than I anticipated. Yikes. Oh well, if it works, it's worth it. It's a LOT of time off of work too, and at the worst possible time of the year, but it can't be helped. I try to work shorter lunch hours, to help offset some of the time off for PT, so it doesn't hurt the wallet quite so much, but it's still hard on my coworkers.

Nathan has been having a good couple weeks! I'm real proud of him. He's trying to be good for the rest of the school year. At the rate he's going, he just might make it! I hope he ends on a real good note, so that next school year he doesn't have that negative vibe right off the bat when he walks through the doors. I keep telling him he's growing up, and learning more self control, and that's why he's doing better. He likes that idea, so he's trying even harder. (How nice! An upward spiral for a change!!)

I can't wait for this school year to be over!! I know most moms dread this time of year. Not me. School scares me more than anything. Daycare isn't so great either, but for the past year or so, they have at least been less hostile towards Nathan. If the pattern continues, that would be helpful. I'd like to just worry about grades and stuff, instead of safety or abuse.

Well, I'm off to do my excercises!

Degenerate

Um, well, degenerative anyway.

That's what it seems I have in my shoulder: a degenerative condition called tendonosis. The difference between tendonitis and tendonosis is the fact that tendonosis is degenerative, and chronic.

Oh goody.

The good news is that there is no substantial tear or hole. So no surgery! Yay! At least not yet, anyway. Next step: physical therapy. If that doesn't work, I get cortisone shots. And if that doesn't work, back to the possibility of surgery.

But first things first.

So I start PT on Monday morning. It's at a facility I've never been to before. So I don't know what it will be like, but I suppose most PT is pretty much the same. Lots of pain if you want any real gain. Okay, I can do that. Knowing that the pain will lessen down the road makes me capable of a lot. I'm a tough little cookie when I set my mind to it.

The doc said I have arthritis all right, but it isn't what's causing all this intense pain. This boils down to the tendons being inflamed, and the tendons and bursa are getting pinched as my arm moves upward or backward. He called it 'rotator cuff impingement.' I also have carpal tunnel, but that's the least of my problems right now.

He said he could do surgery right now on that rotator cuff, and admitted he makes more money that way, but also told me that if it were his shoulder, he'd try the PT first. Okie dokie. I'm game. I've been through PT before, and have always had good results. I may think bad thoughts about the physical therapist in the beginning, but by the end I usually have a real respect for their expertise. I'm not too optimistic about cortisone. I've had that many times before, for different troubles, and while it may offer temporary improvement, I have never had it resolve and issue for me yet. In fact, after it wears off, I've sometimes found myself in MORE pain than before. So I hope the PT works and I don't have to go that route, but I will if I have to. I'll exhaust everything before considering surgery. The pain of the shots doesn't phase me. (At least it doesn't phase me as long as they don't have to shoot it directly into the bone. Now THAT was pain. I'd rather avoid that at all costs, if humanly possible. But standard cortisone shots are a piece of cake to me.)

Anyway, the results of the MRI were all relatively good. At least it's not as serious as a tear or a hole, and surgery will be the last consideration. That's a relief. The bad news is that the pain in my shoulder will not go away on its own. But I had pretty much figured that out, since I'd been in pain since around November. Hey, if it hadn't gone away by now, I think I've figured out that it isn't going to. And PT might just work.

I'm a lot more optimistic now. At least I know this isn't just something I have to live with. I can take action, and hopefully improve this. I couldn't accept that this was permanant. Nothing I can do. Get used to it. Screw that!

It's funny, because in my head I'm only about 21 years old. (Only in my head, not on my birth certificate.) I *think* like I did at that age. I don't feel like my brain is old. It's hard to face that my body isn't feeling as youthful as my grey matter. When I look in a mirror, I have to wonder who that old hag is, looking back at me? And where did that wild, skinny gal of my consiousness go? Hm. The brain of a pup in the body of a geezer. That's a bummer, LOL!

But that's okay. I have so much more now, than I ever did when I was young and pretty and painfree. Given the choice, I'd never go back in time. I'd never change my choices, as foolish as some had been. At least everything I did had value, because it got me exactly to where I am now.

Now I'm off to find healing! Wish me luck. Nah, on second thought, wish me patience. I probably need that more, LOL!

Butterflies and Mummies

Today was one of those scary days for me, and one of those fun and free days for Nathan.

There was a field trip for his class, to go to the Milwaukee Public Museum. He was SO excited! You would think he was going to the moon, as thrilled as he was. Mom was in "eek" mode, worrying about every silly little thing. (My friends tease me that I would wrap Nathan in bubble wrap if I could.) Of course, one has to swallow all those over-protective urges and let the little guy have some fun once in a while. So off he went in the big blue bus.

There was no reason to worry. He had a blast! He called me up as soon as he got home, dying to tell me about it. His favorite part was what he called The Butterfly Room. From what I gather, it was a room full of butterflies. LIVE butterflies! He was blown away, and I was grinning from ear to ear, listening to him describe it. I wish I could have seen it. I wish I could have seen him frolicking around, chasing a monarch, surrounded by other butterflies. What a grand mental image!

And I got to hear about mummies in caskets, and big skeletons that were hanging from the ceiling, and a skeleton of a huge whale that was on a wall. And the kids had some kind of scavenger hunt, too, which allowed him to go off "on his own" to explore the museum (accompanied by his aide).

And just as delightful was his wide-eyed tale about the gift shop. Mom The Softie slipped him a little cash before he left, so that he could get a small souvenier. You would think he had won the lottery, to hear him tell it. He bought a dinosaur toy and some candy (you know field trip candy is ten times better than home candy), and he and his buddies had their picture taken in one of those photo booths. Those boys couldn't have smiled any bigger if they tried.

It was so much fun to hear him talk about it. He was so happy. And he shared the experience with friends from school. Shared! FRIENDS FROM SCHOOL. Wow. That's so cool! He never used to be that social at school. He rarely remembered a kid's name, let alone refered to one as his friend. Now he's having a great time with a couple of pals, like it was a common occurance. (Happy dance!)

This all ended up being the best Mother's Day gift I could have received. My little boy was buzzing with excitement and joy about his trip, with a smile that lights up the whole room. It just doesn't get any better than that.