Christmas Blues

I'm kind of struggling through the Christmas blues at this point.

I know, it doesn't make any sense. I have every reason to be absolutely delighted and thankful this year. My MIL is getting better, and we may even be able to bring her home for a little while on Christmas. That is just awesome news! And she's working hard to be able to stand, which would make all this a little easier to carry out. Even if she can't get to that point, we can still do it. We'll just need professional assistance to accomplish it. That's fine. And the nursing home will help us arrange it.

So why so blue? I guess it all just stirred up some old memories. I had a brother pass away just after Christmas when I was a child. Christmas was the last time I saw him. Christmas was never really the same after that, as you can imagine. So I've always had some struggle with the holiday. And his birthday is coming up soon. so that doesn't help much either.

On top of all that, my mother passed away just before Christmas. In fact, she was buried on that brother's birthday. (Yes, the timing certainly seemed like more than just a coincidence.) My mom had cancer, and was trying to hang on to make it to the holiday, but it wasn't to be.

I suppose all this hospital stuff, with the scary times, and the cold hard facts from the hospital staff, it really brought all those painful memories back, for me. Even though my MIL has pulled through, and is doing much better now, the memories still cling. Some of it was rather deja vu. My mother was unable to speak, and neither was my MIL. The family gathered in the intensive care waiting room, the blatent disregard for the hospital rules, and the hospital turning a blind eye to our rulebreaking. Becoming so familiar with the hospital staff, that you know them by name, and get mistaken for an employee. Being able to come and go as you please. The stress. The heartache. Hearing the cold facts, and knowing their truths, but experiencing denial anyway. Phone calls in the middle of the night. Siblings coming home. Sleepless nights, uneaten meals, afraid to hope or to plan. Prayers and bargaining. The Kubler-Ross stages dancing in my head instead of sugar plums. Knowing what can happen to a family structure, and to holiday traditions, when the matriarch is gone.

The experience with my MIL was a close call. Thank God we still have her with us, and we are thankful for every minute.

It's all been a blur between the past and present and future in my head and my heart. I feel the pain of the past, the fragility of the present, and the fear of the future.

I know I have to put all this aside and celebrate the holiday season. I have to throw myself into cookie baking and shopping and wrapping, and decorating the tree. Somehow it doesn't feel like Christmas though. It feels like past. And I have to ignore that. I will ignore it. It's just hard to get into it. I hope this year, I will start out by going through the motions, and then pick up the actual good feelings and anticipation. One can hope.

It's supposed to snow for the next few days. Maybe that will help lift some Christmas spirits.