Nerves

I'm so nervous about school starting. The closer the date, the more twisted in knots my stomach gets. There are so many new things this year: new principal, new teacher, new para, new bus driver, new iep. That's a lot of unknowns.

On a positive note, that's also a lot of possible improvements, right? At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

Nathan, bless his heart, looks forward to the new year. He just forgives and forgets everything, and looks at each day like it's a new start. (I wish I could do that sometimes).

He doesn't think about the bruises he came home with, or the restraint they inflicted upon him. He doesn't think about the 40 hours of homework every week during 3rd quarter. He doesn't think about his (former) principal getting in his face and yelling that "he just behaves like this to get attention." He doesn't think about five adults pinning him to the floor; or carrying him down the hall spread eagle, his fanny dangling above the floor; or the four adults that pinned him to a chair and yelled at him.

But I don't forget. And I don't forgive, either. I'm just not capable of that at this point. And I just want to cry that I have to send him back to that place.

Dh reminds me that the principal is gone, it's a new teacher that actually WANTS to teach him, and a different para that will now be full time. All true. All potentially good.

(Too bad the worst of the "team" will be returning.) Even with all that good, I still feel like my stomach is in an ever-tightening knot. I warned dh that I will fight back this time. That I will not allow them to continue as they have. They already think I'm a mother from hell. (They have no idea.)

Restraint, which they said is going to be used whether I give permission or not, to preserve the safety of other children, is only to be used as a last resort, and that it is only to be administered by trained personnel, and that they must be aware that using restraint is absolutely guaranteed to escalate the situation ten-fold. Using restraint will guarantee meltdowns. Period. I informed them that Nathan can't handle being touched when he escalates, that it is painful to him. We do not condone its use. Efforts to de-escalate are absolutely necessary.

So to that end, Nathan and I worked together on a behavior chart to help the teacher or para discover what his mounting frustration looks like (taking off his glasses, throwing papers on the floor, his expression and his manner of standing, etc.), and possible ways to help diffuse the situation before it escalates to aggressive behavior. Nathan likes the chart, and is willing to use it. Of course, that's easier in theory than in practice, but if the para and the teacher use it, well, this really could work. Potentially. The mere fact that Nathan is willing is a good step in the right direction.

I'm actually thrilled that there is a new principal, new teacher and a new para. This is BIG. I was shocked when I found out there was a new principal. I was afraid to believe it. I was really happy to meet her for myself. First impression was very good. Intelligent. Sadly, the meeting was brief. But, this woman has no history of abusing my son, so she's got that going for her.

Nathan's new teacher is my biggest hope. She has a friend with an autistic child, so she is "looking forward to teaching Nathan." That's a huge step up from the teacher who was scared to death of him. At least she is starting out on a positive foot.

I don't know anything about Nathan's new para yet. Zippo. His last para was a very sweet older lady, with a lot of patience. A grandmotherly type. However, she was somewhat ineffectual. Part of the problem was that she was with him for such a short time - not her fault. But the other problem was that while she was with him, she didn't really seem to watch him that closely. After all, she never caught any of his signals that he was getting overwhelmed, so there was never any attempt at de-escalation, at least not until it was too late. And Nathan was able to take off out of the classroom without her even being aware of it! She could look at a situation after the fact, and have a pretty good idea of what happened and why (which is more than I could say for the teacher or case manager), but she couldn't seem to do anything about it as it was happening. I can't really blame her. She knew absolutely nothing about autism before working with my son. Nothing at all. I blame the school system for not training her properly (or at all). I really pushed in the last iep meetings that they get him a para that either knows something about autism, or TRAIN THEM. We'll see. I hear there was to be a district-wide training of all teaching staff. That's excellent news.

So the teacher is supposed to get training, too. And the Autism Team will be working closely with her, from the way it sounds. I'm not certain of all that the Autism Team does, or how they do it, except that they observe from time to time and make recommendations. Their recommendations have always been quite good. Last I heard, they will check on Nathan early in the semester, and they will help us to give an introductory kind of seminar to the class about how Nathan has autism, and what that means, and how the class can help. I've always thought that would be a good idea. And later in the fall, the rep I worked with from the Autism Team will be coming back from maternity leave. I really liked her, and feel that she really wants to help Nathan succeed. I look forward to her return.

Okay, I'm talking myself into feeling a little better here. The knots are loosening somewhat. The next couple weeks at least should be fairly calm - the honeymoon period. Maybe it will give me reason to be more optimistic.

Keeping my fingers crossed.