So Sad

We're all really sad and upset here. Our dog, Riley, was up all night crying. That tumor has returned. He's in a lot of pain.

We sat down and talked to Nathan about the possibility that Riley may have to be put down. He's very upset.

We just came from the vet, and they want to operate again, and this time do the biopsy. I suppose we are only prolonging the inevitable, but it's too hard to walk away without doing all you can. Riley's not even 4 years old. We left him with the vet.

Surgery will be in the morning. Poor little guy. Poor Nathan.

If She'd Only Known

Entry for January 26, 2007
I wrote to the school and finally arranged for an IEP meeting. I want to amend the IEP to include a limit on the number of hours Nathan is expected to do homework. The meeting will be next Wednesday. (Geez, that's going to be a busy day! A tailgate party at work, then the IEP meeting, then another eye exam! Yikes!)

I also had a nice chat with Nathan's teacher. She said if she had known about all the homework Nathan was doing, she would have gone through all of the papers and told us what we could skip. (She sent it home to us, almost all in one batch, so I'm not sure why she wouldn't know. Let alone dh tried to talk to her about it and she told him "and it will just get worse...")

Anyway, she was really nice about it, and said she had no idea how much this was stressing Nathan out. She told me not to worry about any of the remaining homework except the coyote report. YAY! So now Nathan is all caught up, and no piles of homework looming before us. Next week I'll have limits in place, too. Things are looking much sunnier around here now.

The teacher even called to leave a message on our voicemail, to say that Nathan was doing much better in school now! It seems like lifting the pressure has made quite a difference. Oh, and he brought home a good report card! All E's and S's (like A's and B's). Woohoo!

2 Meltdowns & More Homework

Nathan's school called on Thursday, and told me he had another meltdown. They said they want his meds re-evaluated. They might have a point - it has been years since the prescription has been changed. However, I'm not thrilled with the idea of making the dose stronger, when he is frequently complaining of headaches.

I had wanted to get him off of those drugs. I'm still not convinced he has ADHD. I believe it's the autism that causes him to get so riled up. Even the tests the school had run on him showed without a doubt that he doesn't have ADHD! Yet they were the ones that pushed so hard to get him on drugs in the first place and made their references to the psychiatrist!

In the past two weeks, we have been averaging about 3-1/2 hours of homework a night on a school night, and up to six hours on weekends. This has got to stop. At this point, I suspect Nathan is shutting down, and can't deal with so much homework. I don't know if the meds are not strong enough or if he's just so overwhelmed that he's shutting down.

Last weekend, in additon to the 25+ pages of homework from that workbook, they sent home two reports that are due, one about The Great Basin, and one about Coyotes, plus four chapters from the Science book, plus worksheets from class in math and science! How could we get him to do all that in one weekend??? We didn't finish it, by any stretch of the imagination. It's still not done.

And this from the teacher who said we wouldn't have any homework on the weekends, that kids need to 'just be kids.'

Friday he had another meltdown at school. He was in the principal's office when dh went to get him. They said it wasn't too bad this time (but they did try to call me at work, but I missed the phonecall, and they didn't leave a voicemail message). Sigh. When dh was leaving, he ran into Nathan's teacher, and told her that Nathan's been doing from 3-1/2 to 6 hours of homework a night.

Her response was, "And it's just going to get worse!"

Hooboy. The hell it is. There's no way I'm making this child do that much homework. As far as I'm concerned, there's no reason this couldn't have been done at school. If he wasn't getting the work done there, we should have been notified sooner, so we could have tried to get him caught up and keep him caught up. Or they should have been trying to figure out how to keep him on task. Maybe they should be increasing the number of para minutes, or find more effective ways to keep his attention. Having him dumped-on with all this extra work is not good for him. If you overwhelm him, he will just shut down.

I'm going to send a letter to school with him, requesting that his IEP be adjusted to include a limit on the number of hours of homework per night. This is crazy. He's got to have some kind of break - he's just a little boy! That's nearly 30 hours of homework in a WEEK! He's eight years old, for crying out loud!

Da Bears!

GO BEARS!!

Ouch

Well, this is the week for blessings in disguise, I guess.

I heard a few days ago that my hours are being cut at work. I'm not looking forward to the hit to my wallet, but hey, at least I still have a job, and one I really like at that. It is also a blessing because Nathan has such a difficult time in daycare, that it can only help to have him in daycare for less time. I'll enjoy the extra time with him as well. In fact, I'm really looking forward to spending more time with Nathan. Of course, the pay reduction hasn't hit yet, but I'll enjoy this while I can. Gotta roll with the punches.

I also went to have my eyes checked, this time with "a real doctor," like everyone kept pushing me to do. It was a pretty thorough exam. They were concerned about a blind spot that I have that has gotten a little larger, and light sensitivity that has gotten worse recently, and the wavy distortions I still have. (My eyes were damaged during my pregnancy, when my blood pressure shot up to 227/117, and I nearly lost my vision then.) Anyway, the exam so far has been full of good news. First of all, my eyeglass prescription hasn't changed significantly enough to warrant new glasses! YAY! (I love my pink-tinted glasses). And they found nothing structurally wrong with my eyes right now. No glaucoma (though I show that I am a good candidate for it), and no macular degeneration. Whew. However, they can't say what's wrong with my eyes. Even though my eyes were damaged when Nathan was born, the problems it caused should not be getting worse now. So now I am on to more testing and exams. One exam with the retina specialist, can take 3-5 hours! Sheesh. I also have several other appointments scheduled. I suppose this is a good time to do it, since we need to cut our hours at work, but I'm worried about this little hit to my wallet as well. But I guess you really can't take any chances when it comes to your vision. I guess I'll also find out just how good this insurance is at work. Thank goodness I didn't switch to the cheaper insurance when given the chance last month - I might need this coverage now. Keep your fingers crossed that they don't find anything bad, or anything that requires surgery or anything.

Nathan has been doing good lately. I've been upset by some stuff at school, though. He came home last weekend with a TON of homework. There was a workbook sent home, one that usually they work on in school, and it had about 20 pages in it that needed to be done! (They wanted it done last weekend, too. I don't know if they realize how HARD it is to have Nathan do homework. He is never medicated at home. He has difficulty focusing on homework for long periods of time, and he gets so distracted. It would take FOREVER to get 20 pages done, even when I'm right there with him every minute, fighting to keep him on task.) I don't understand why he is so much behind, if it is because he misses too much school when he goes to the OT and PT and stuff, or if he's goofing around at school when he is supposed to be working on it. I'm going to have to have a long talk with his teacher about this. She gave us until this weeked (and it's a long weekend) to finish it. The grading period ends on Wednesday, when they go back to school. Sigh. I am not looking forward to the rest of the weekend full of homework. I feel like I'm back in school again (and I wasn't so crazy about it the first time around, lol).

Meltdown Already?

I got another phone call yesterday. This time, the call came from his para. She said Nathan was taking a practice test, and got upset when they collected the tests because he felt he should be further along than he was. He threw things in his classroom, and then again when they took him to the principal's office.

I'm not sure how to help him with this perfectionism thing. He has such high expectations of himself, as if he's supposed to be perfect at everything, the very first time he attempts it. He not only sets himself up for a let down, but for a lot of frustration, and meltdowns.

Today would be more practice tests. Yikes. If we can't get a handle on this soon, this will only make us crazy.

I tried to talk to him about tests, and how they just tell us the stuff we need to work on, to improve. I tried to emphasize how tests are a tool, not a judgement. He seemed to get something out of that discussion.

I also tried to tell him that I didn't care what score he got on his tests, that I just want him to do his best. He didn't believe that. So I looked at him and smiled, and said, "Do you really think anybody cares ,right now, what I scored on the math tests I took in 3rd grade?" (Geez, am I really downgrading the importance of a TEST??? My dad is probably spinning in his grave.)

Nathan did seem to get a kick out of that idea, that nobody would care, years later, what he scored on the tests he took now. Somehow, I think it helped to take some of the pressure off. I just hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the fanny a few years from now.

It's not that I don't value tests, or want him to do well on them. Quite the contrary. But I am trying to look at it from his perspective. At this point, tests are only something to fear, something that is against you, something that you can't ever "win." They label you. They judge you. I need him to look at tests as something that helps you figure out what you need to work on, or what you need help with. A tool. A positive thing. Nathan already has the intelligence, and the willingness to foster that intelligence, so now I just need for him to enjoy the learning process, and not beat himself over the head with it.

I don't know if what I said will help. But at least he didn't melt down during today's test!

It's Hot, In Topeka

1. Share a treasured memory from 2006 of something your child with autism did or said and why it was special to you.

I was getting Nathan ready for bed after all the Christmas chaos. He was still really excited about all his loot, and he looked up and asked me what my all-time favorite Christmas present was. I told him the best Christmas present I ever got was him. He looked at me and smiled. He said, "You're the best Christmas present I ever got!"


2. What challenge or task did your child accomplish in the previous year that you thought you might never see?


At school, he always was pretty much a loner. He didn't eat with anyone, didn't join any of the kids when they were playing. Just before Christmas, I found out at school that Nathan has been joining the other kids when they play football outside! He did it on his own, with no prompting. (And scored a touchdown, too!)

3. What was one of the funniest things your child said or did in 2006.

On the way to the movies, I was teasing Nathan. He had put his hands on the back of the driver's seat, kind of pinching my hair. It caught me by surprise, and it suddenly occurred to me that for him to be reaching my hair, he couldn't be belted into his seat. I asked him if he was belted in, and he insisted that he was. Oh my! Then I realized that he was now tall enough to lean forward and reach me! I pretended to be all upset, comically wailing, "No, it can't be! My baby is growing up!" (He hates when I call him my baby, so I was really giving him the business, now.) "He can't be big enough to reach me! He's just a baby!"

Nathan was laughing at all this, pretending to get mad and grit his teeth. "I'm NOT a baby!" he protested. (Of course, I kept it up.) Then he reaches up and grabs me firmly by the shoulders from behind, shaking them slightly, and yells, "GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF, WOMAN!!" (Where does he get this stuff???)

Oooh, one more! During the summer, it was one of the warmest days of the year. I had the air conditioner cranked. I went to put Nathan to bed, and suggested that, for once, we don't use all five blankets (one of which is a comforter!) that he insists on covering himself with at night.

I sighed, "Nathan, let's not use all these blankets. Let's just pick one, and leave the others at the end of the bed if you need them."

"Why can't I have all my blankets on?" he protested.

I shook my head. Wearily, I countered, "Nathan, it's just too hot."

Nathan looked up at me, seriously, and in a sing-song voice he said, "It's HOT, in To-pe-ka."

Startled, I stopped my fussing with the blankets and looked at him. Topeka? Where on earth did he come up with that? (We've never taken him to Topeka, and for the life of me, I coudn't remember the last time the city had even been mentioned!) I thought perhaps I had misheard him. "What did you say?"

A big grin spead across his face. He stretched the phrase out a little more this time. "It's H O T, in To - pe - ka."

He just looked so cute, and the inflection was so comical, that I had to laugh. (Again, WHERE does he get this stuff??)

(I later found out it came from a cartoon, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends). Echolalia at it's best.

4. Name one goal - small or large - that you would like for your child to achieve in 2007.

Fewer meltdowns at school/daycare.


5. Who has made the biggest impact in your child's life in the past year & have you told them?

I don't think it was any one person. I think it was his whole "Team" at school. Everyone has worked very hard with Nathan, and it's all had a major impact on him. He's calmer, he's more social, he's doing better scholastically, he's having fewer meltdowns than he did in the beginning of the year... Many improvements, resulting from the hard work by many individuals. Every time I see a member of his team, that's all we can talk about lately - how well he's doing. I try to always tell them about the positive changes I see in him, and how wonderful we think it is.

Resolutions

A co-worker gave this to me, and I really enjoyed it. I hope you enjoy it, too.


Resolution for 2007: Lessen the vanity, raise the character


Columnist: Elizabeth Davies

http://www.rrstar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20061228/NEWS0603/112280008/...



This time, I refuse to lose five pounds for the new year.


I won’t make some doomed pact with the gym, and I won’t even bother telling myself this will be the year my IRA finally gets maxed out.


I won’t redecorate my living room, upgrade to a new car, build a bigger deck or take an over-the-top vacation.


This year, I resolve to do away with meaningless resolutions.


Rather, I will remember that worry won’t change anything but my blood pressure.


I will keep in mind that impatience is ugly, immaturity is useless and impressing others will get you nowhere.


I will spend 2007 showing compassion, not contempt. I will put my mouth to good use, trading words that bite for ones that encourage.


I will remember that a smile is only beautiful if you use it.


This will be the time when I celebrate what I do have, rather than obsessing over what I don’t.


I will recapture the joy of splashing in puddles, because no designer shoe is worth losing your childlike spirit.


I will be the woman I want my daughters to be, realizing that I can't expect them to become ladies of worth if their best role models come in the Hollywood variety.


I will value my body for the journey it carries me through. I will not be haunted by love handles, which serve to remind me of lovely, long meals with friends. I will not pout over new wrinkles, for each one was a hard-earned mile marker on my path toward wisdom.


I will not put myself down, because I am the woman my husband chose, and I never want him to feel he wound up with second best.


For 2007 and beyond, I will be tolerant of others. I will remember that their quirks make the world go ’round, too.


I will sympathize with troubles without trying to fix them. I will talk less and listen more. I will be the kind of friend I would want to have.


I will follow the lead set by my husband, who avoids the popular crowd to befriend the friendless.


I will be more like my mother, who cares more about my day than her own.


I will emulate my father, for whom no price tag is too great if it will make life easier for someone else.


I will remember that the brand name on the purse that I carry is not nearly as precious as the photos I store inside it.


I want to be known for who I am, not what I look like or how I spend my time.


That won’t happen unless my character is more important than my clothes, and my perseverance outlasts my handbag.


I want eyes that see everyone’s inner beauty, and skin that glistens with proof of my hard work. All the lotions at Lancome won’t help me do that.


In 2007, I will become the kind of person whom others describe as beautiful.


And they won’t be talking about my outside when they say it.