Three Pairs, Three Spares

It occurs to me that I haven't really said much about my family here.

I grew up in a very large family. There were nine children, including three sets of twins. I'm part of that third set. (That explains the "twin3rd" screen name, huh?)

My mother used to tell people that she had three pairs and three spares. I always used to think that was kind of a crummy way to refer to the non-twins, but after hearing my brother once proclaim with a big grin, "I'm the oldest spare," I realized that the "spares," had a sense of humor about the whole thing. I suppose they kind of had to, growing up in this family.

My oldest brothers are twins, then there were two individual boys and a girl, then another set of twin boys, and finally my twin brother and I. Our birth was unique enough to land us a story on page three of the Chicago Sun Times, labeled "She Pleases Everyone Who Counts." The artical went on to describe how my brothers were hoping my mom would bring home another brother, and my sister was hoping for a little sister, and my mother managed to please everyone who counted. It was a great idea for a story, had it only been true.

Truth be told, nobody wanted another sister. My brothers wanted another boy, and my sister didn't want to lose her place as the only girl in the family. So nobody wanted me to be a girl. Oh well. It did make for a good headline.

None of the twins are identical, though there is a pretty strong resemblence among all of my siblings. It often becomes a guessing game at weddings and such, where people try to figure out who is twins with who. They are rarely correct.

Can you guess who's twins with who?

The Wedding

Last night was the wedding, and it was wonderful!

Initially, when I saw the invitation, I wondered what on Earth I was going to do with myself before the reception started. The wedding was expected to begin at 3, with the Assembly of Barat. Now keep in mind, I have no idea what an Assembly of Barat is, and therefore couldn't guess how long it could take. I saw that the reception didn't begin until 6, and I pictured us wandering around Woodfield Mall or something in order to kill time until the reception. Or maybe grabbing a quick bite to eat at McDonalds, to keep my guys happy. At least, that's what I figured, until I arrived at the hotel.

I was informed that the Assembly of Barat was exected to last up to three hours. Three hours! I was worried at that point. I had never brought my son to a wedding, let alone one that lasted three hours, and had no idea how he would be able to handle the long ceremony. Oh well. It was too late now to worry about it. We had to take our seats.

The ceremony took place in this structure they called a tent. However, this was really more like a half-building, half-tent. Thank goodness, because it was incredibly windy, and a standard tent would not have been able to withstand the unusally strong winds yesterday. There were times I really wondered if the tent would come down. Even the chandeliers were swaying, right above the heads of my family. The stucture proved quite sound, however.

The ceremony started with the groom being presented to, and welcomed by, the parents of the bride (my brother and sister-in-law). It was a lengthy ceremony, with some lovely traditions and hymns. The man who officiated over the festivites was kind enough to explain all of the traditions and symbols and prayers as they went along, so those of us unfamiliar with the ceremony were able to understand what was happening. I really appreciated that. It was all quite lovely.

When I realized that the ceremony was coming to a close, I was pleased to see that it hadn't lasted all that long, and my son had been an angel through the whole thing. That's about the time that they announced that the SECOND cereomony was about to start. This would be the traditional American ceremony. Oops, only half done.

But the two ceremonies together lasted about an hour and a half or so. It wasn't all that long, after all, and my son did wonderfully! He never acted up once. I was so proud of him!

We then gathered in the lobby of the hotel, where there were snacks and drinks set up. We ate and drank while the tent was being rearranged with a dance floor and dining tables for the reception. Formal pictures were taken of the bridal party, then the bride changed into her second dress, a traditional American white bridal gown, and came down for more pictures. We returned to the tent after that, and the party really kicked into gear.

Nathan did quite well, right up until the dinner began. Then he started to melt down. I got him out of there quickly, but as soon as we returned, it happened again. They weren't full blown meltdowns, but he did start to get ornery and crabby, and began to make faces at us, and talk back. I took him out twice, and dh took him out once, before I was finally able to persuade him to eat. After that, he was fine! I guess he was just hungry. (He refused to eat the snacks in the lobby- a little too exotic for him). Can't blame him for being hungry - we were all starved! He was just fine after that, and had a great time playing with his cousins.

It was so wonderful to see my family together again! It's rare for us to all be together. And it's so much fun to see everyone having a good time. We stayed later than we planned, but it was hard to leave.

Henna Hands

The Mehndi party was a blast. I loved it! The henna artists had some really cool designs. All the other women there went with very elaborate designs, but I stayed kind of conservative. I only had one hand done, and a design that stretched from above my wrist to the tip of my ring finger. My relatives went all out with the designs. It was so much fun!

A Mehndi party is traditionally an event for the women, but my neice and her fiance were combining their traditions for a very personalized event. They invited couples to the Mehndi party. It seems to be all about adorning and pampering the women. Many of the guests were in traditional Indian attire, and it was so pretty! My neice looked like a princess, and the groom-to-be looked so handsome!

There was Indian music, and dancers. The food was all Indian, (except one pasta dish), and it was very exotic and spicy and delicious.

There were far more of my relatives there than I expected! So many people I hadn't seen in ages! It was great. Even my brother came in from Alaska. My brother from Nebraska got trapped by the bad weather, which was ironic since he is a meteorologist, LOL! The sad thing, though, was that he is the father of the bride! He didn't show up while I was at the party, though I heard he finally got to the airport. He was said to be on his way, but I couldn't wait around to see him since I was riding with other relatives, and it was getting very late for our drive home.

I got such a kick out of the henna hands, though. I love this tradition! They use an applicator that resembles a scaled down version of a cake decorator. Then they pipe the henna paste onto your hand in these lovely patterns. It feels very cool (and tickled just a little bit). Then they sprinkle the paste with glitter, and sometimes set faux jewels into it. It looks so neat! But I was concerned with being able to eat and even use the bathroom with this on my hands, so I opted for a less elaborate design. Perhaps at a different event, or if I did this by myself, I might get a bit more adventurous. Anyway, the paste has to stay on your skin for a while, preferably overnight. Then you flake off the paste, and beneath it, the skin has been stained a red or reddish brown color. Mine is a brick red color.

The tradition says that the longer the bride's henna lasts, the better husband her future groom will make. The reason for that is because daily chores such as laundry and dishes and cleaning, all work to fade the design quickly. If her design lasts a long time, it is because her new husband is pampering her, and doing the chores for her. (I like that tradition!)

You can see my 'henna hand' in the picture. This is when the paste was still on. The design is also on my thumb, though you can't see it in this picture because of the way I turned my hand. I'm hoping it lasts a very long time. I really like the pattern. I've never been very interested in having a tattoo, because of the permanant nature of it, but this I would definately do again. I'll have to find out if there are any good henna artists in my hometown.

Mehndi Party

Wow, it's been a crazy week. We had a bunch of layoffs at work, in an effort to downsize. I was spared. But it was so sad to see all the people gone, and all the empty desks, whether they were let go or just transfered to a new department. Shakes up the sense of "job security" a bit. On the other hand, it was pretty cool to find myself still employed, in spite of the fact that I was so recently hired. My boss had been hired just a few months before me, and she said, "I don't know about you, but I'm feeling pretty lucky!" Yeah, you can say that again. (Shoulda bought a lottery ticket.)

Tonight I'm heading off to my first Mehndi party. It sounds like a lot of fun. There will be a henna artist there, and I'm thinking about having my hands done. I'm going with my sister, my nephew and my nephew's girlfriend. I can't wait! It will be fun to get out and socialize, and it will be so neat to see my family again. We so rarely get together anymore. I'm going without my husband and son tonight, which is also rare. Makes it kind of feel like a "girl's night out," especially since I'm going to be with my sister. Plus, it will all be my family there, so there is the element of homecoming. And the party isn't all that far from where I grew up, so it will be like revisiting my old stomping grounds, or at the very least, my old shopping grounds (the big shopping mall I used to frequent is in the town I'm going to). I'm quite excited about tonight!

I bought my son a dressy outfit last night, that he'll need for the upcoming family events. I got a pair of navy dress slacks, a light tan shirt and a blue tie. Oh my! He looks so grown up in it! And he is SO excited to be able to dress up like his daddy. We hardly ever dress up around here, so it was a real kick. :)

I'll have to go find my camera. Maybe it's time to buy a new memory card for it. I'll want a lot of pictures of this...

Quilting Fix

I had another quilting class today! It is so rejuvenating. I can't express how much this does to uplift my soul. I needed it. I've been so weary lately.

We focused on hand quilting this time. I think I enjoy this more than the machine quilting (for the decorative stitches on the top), though I can't honestly tell you that I'm any better at this than I was the machine quilting. Oh well. It just takes some practice, something I usually don't have a lot of time for. But I'll get there. :)

Today was a really good day. So nice. So peaceful.

I really need to do this more often.

Darth Vader

I just love Halloween!

Today we went out to get Nathan's Halloween costume. Hooboy, what a decision. Leaving the decision to Nathan is never quick or simple. It is best to give him a very limited choice, or you could be standing there for hours while he tries to figure out which one he wants. (His teacher found that out the hard way when she asked him to bring his favorite pencil with him to the music room - 20 minutes later he happily left with the perfect pencil in hand...)

But hey, this is Halloween! And a kid has got to pick his own costume. That's half the fun! So we resigned ourselves to be at the store forever while Nathan made up his mind. Dh had the brilliant idea of giving him the sales flyer for the costume shop, a week in advance. So by the time we walked in there, Nathan had it narrowed down to three! We ended up getting out of the store in a reasonable amount of time, we got two mega bags of candy, and Nathan got to pick his perfect costume. :) It was so much fun! We got tshirts that said "...got candy?" and Dh got a skeleton to hang on his machine at work. LOL!

All we need now is the pumpkin!

No Room

I tried applying to a program in town for after-school care for kids with disabilities. Unfortunately, they are full, and have a waiting list. They may be opening a second location soon, but they didn't know where it would be. It may not even be close to us. And it wouldn't be available until next year. Not exactly the news I was hoping for. As far as I know, I am all out of options. It seems like I have no other choice but to keep him in his current program for now.

Hating Daycare

My poor baby.

Yep, another meltdown today at daycare. I've got to find something else. This is just too hard on him, and it's killing me to see the look on his face when I arrive.

He looked like he had just been in a battle from hell. His face was red and blotchy, his eyes had dark rings under them - at first I thought he had black eyes! He was absolutely miserable, and he started to burst into tears when he tried to tell me what happened.

It didn't help that as soon as he started to talk, the caregiver started giving him flack for tearing the place a part. I carefully explained to her that his meltdowns are a response to an overstimulation to his senses, and that he has no control when they occur. I was basically trying to interrupt her so that she couldn't keep lecturing my son. I didn't try to minimize why she was pissed off. I understood that. But I didn't want her to continue trying to discipline a child that was not only traumatized, but unable to control his actions. She started in on him a second time, and I interrupted her again. I wasn't being mean or rude. But I wanted her to talk to me, not to him. He had obviously had enough.

At one point, Nathan started to tell me what took place, and said that he was hit. The caregiver exclaimed that this was more than he had told her! Gee, big surprise. I told her he is autistic (I didn't know if she had been told before) and that he has trouble communicating sometimes. I said he needs to start at the beginning, and talk through it step by step. I then turned back to Nathan and asked him again what happened. He had already clammed up after she interrupted him, and I needed to do a little coaxing, but I got him to talk again. He said that he was hit. I asked him if he was hit by a ball (they had been playing a ball game), and he said no, it was a part of someone's body! Then he burst into tears and said, "He told me that he didn't care! He hit me and he didn't care!" Aw geez. He is so sensitive to injustice, that he just can't handle when others won't apologize or won't show regret. Poor kid. I said, "Nathan, I care." Somehow this seemed to calm him down considerably. I think that's all he really wanted, was for someone to give a damn that he'd been hurt. Not so much to ask.

Before we left, I asked if he was thrown out of the after-school-care, or if he could attend tomorrow. She said no, he could return tomorrow, but NOT TODAY. Yeah, no problem. I couldn't wait to get him out of there.

On the way out, we ran into the kind man who we had talked to yesterday. He could see for himself the look on Nathan's face, and held out his hands saying, "what happened?" I told him that today was worse than yesterday. He shook his head and apologized. Nice guy. It looked like he was just coming on duty. Too bad he didn't get there earlier. Maybe Nathan would have made it today.

You know, Nathan has a pretty good read of people. He has good instincts. He can tell when someone thinks he is bad, even if they don't say the words. That woman caregiver had a real attitude about Nathan. I had a pretty good impression that this was making the whole meltdown much worse than usual.

I've got to do something. I don't know what yet, but I have to change this. I need to get him somewhere where there is more patience, more understanding, more compassion. Does it even exist here? How can I keep facing that look on his face? That emotional pain?

The Daycare

Oh man. Another bad day.

I got a phone call at work to come get Nathan. They said he flipped out when they tried to separate him from his buddy. Then they grabbed him, to remove him from the group. They discovered quickly enough that grabbing him is not going to help the situation any. He went ballistic.

When they called, my son was in a corner, and throwing things at the caregivers. He had already hit several of them, and tried to yank a jacket off another. It sounds like he was also trying to hit people with his own jacket. I was relieved to find him unrestrained (though separated from the crowd, which is a good thing), and not pinned to the ground. That at least was a step up from Thursday's incident. One of the caregivers disappeared the minute I showed up. She looked pissed. (It makes me wonder if they even have any idea what they are dealing with, or if they even know he has autism. I sure hope they have been made aware. It would really stink to have a job like that, and not be told that one of the kids has these sensory and meltdown issues. I know they weren't told at his school. That just frustrated me to no end, and I can only imagine how it must frustrate the poor caregivers).

By the time I reached Nathan, he had calmed down. The guy told me I could bring him back tomorrow, and that he thought it would be okay because he could see some things that worked with Nathan, and some of the things that didn't work. Wow. I don't usually hear that kind of response. The man seemed very kind, and he was confident that he would have a more successful day tomorrow. I sure hope he's right. I really appreciated his willingness, and his lack of judgement.

This was all such crappy timing, too. Today I emailed in my employee review. Sigh. I was so hopeful that all these meltdowns would fade away, and at least be few and far between. No such luck. At least not yet.

It worries me.

Physical

Thursday was not a good day.

Dh arrived at daycare to pick Nathan up, only to find him pinned to the floor, his arms crossed over his chest like some kind of straight jacket hold. He had been having a major meltdown. When they tried to release him, he would literally punch at the caregiver. Dh got him away from her, but then Nathan turned on him, punching at his hands where Dh was trying to hold him.

It all sprang from Nathan's frustration over not being able to do something. They had been playing a card game, and they asked Nathan to rubberband the deck of cards. He didn't know how to do that, to double the rubberband up on itself when the band was larger than the deck of cards. Rather than ask for help, or just say he didn't know how to do that, he just flipped out.

I ran out to Barnes & Noble, and Borders, looking for that book Can I Tell You About Asperger's Syndrome, but I couldn't find it. I sure hope he doesn't get thrown out of daycare again.

Not that I would blame them if they did. But I'm down to my last options here. I know the Park District has an afterschool care program, but it makes me nervous because Nathan was suspended the last time he had a meltdown when at a Park District daycamp. It's so hard for dh and I to not have a daycare we can depend upon. When they suspend him for a day or more, one of us has to take off work to be home with him. It really isn't punishment for Nathan, because 15 minutes past the event, he is done with it, and suspending him from the program doesn't really relate to the event. On top of it, he gets to be home, with mom or dad. That's like a reward for the event. And I keep waiting for the day when work pulls me aside and tells me they can't keep having me run out on them everytime my son throws a tantrum.

I took Nathan to the pediatrician on Wednesday. All he cared about was, "How is he doing in school?" Well, he's doing great academically, but it's these meltdowns that are the big issue. The doc said not to worry about it, as long as he's doing great in school. "Good job, Mom." Sigh. That's just useless to me. I asked about taking Nathan to a specialist. The pediatrician said I could, but he didn't think it was such a great idea. He said they have drugs for autism, but they are all experimental, and he shook his head as if to say 'you don't want to do that."

No, I don't want to do that. I don't even want him on the ADHD drug. I don't want him on any meds. I just want him to learn some tools to help him cope with his frustration levels. Perhaps it is too soon for all the therapy to make much of a difference. Or maybe the therapy doesn't really affect that. I don't know. I just wish I knew how to help my son. I want him to not have to experience being pinned to the floor or having his arms held across his chest like a straightjacket. I want him to feel confidence in his own ability to control himself.

Where do I go to find help?

Slobby

Geez, I just finished cleaning Nathan's bedroom. Just how disorganized and slobby can one little kid get???

I know being disorganized is an Aspie trait, but it's still exhausting. At least now he has a desk again, and he can see his floor. I was so sick of seeing all that mess. It's not perfect. He has too much junk for that little tiny room. But I wasn't up to going through every toy, every piece of clothing, every whatever. I was pretty much just trying to get it livable again.

I know I need to keep on him, to clean his room pretty much every single day, or it turns into chaos. But sometimes I'm just too tired from work to want to deal with nagging a little kid I get to see too little of anyway.

I'll sleep good tonight, though, knowing it's at least presentable again.